Clandestine Interview with Member of Secret Society Revealed
By FORREST ZENG ’26
Another day, another shaky, low-quality photo of a leaked, top-secret FBI (Forrest Bring’s Intelligence) document sent in a random discord channel. This time it’s a leaked transcript of an interrogation of a defective member of a “secret society” at Phillips Exeter. The society in question is not named.
[TOP SECRET, NOFORN, HUMINT]
PARTIES INVOLVED: OPERATOR 1
-NAMEWITHELD OPERATOR 2 -
NAMEWITHELD JOE - DEFECTED “SECRET SOCIETY”
MEMBER
Operator 1: What was your involvement with this group?
Joe: A random guy went up to me one day and was like, “Bro, do you wanna join this thing?” And I was like, “What are you saying?” And then he brings me to this random wall in the basement of Webster and literally phases through it like Harry Potter.
Operator 1: What did you do next?
Joe: Obviously I followed him, since nothing about it seemed that suspicious. I just walked into the brick wall, and it wasn’t solid at all. When I got to the other side I saw a bunch of dudes chilling in this tunnel.
Operator 2: Where was this tunnel? Did it seem like it led anywhere?
Joe: It led to Dunbar. Kinda creepy honestly.
Operator 1: Weird.
Operator 2: What happened next?
Joe: Everyone in the tunnel was dripped out in goofy prep suits and stuff, and there were candles everywhere. It was some sick lighting, honestly. It was also pretty funny, since they were all speaking some Walmart version of Latin, mispronouncing every word and making tons of grammar mistakes.
Operator 1: That makes sense.
Joe: They were talking about who they were going to take to their dorm teas. It gave off a “closed-off-friend- group” kind of vibe. Like they were trying to be cool and secret, but it wasn’t really working.
Operator 2: We also have evidence that you are involved with a secret cult that uses a school club as its facade.
Operator 1: This club has been involved in multiple incidents, such as their cult tradition of singing Holiday songs in an archaic dead language every time the third planet from the sun supposedly makes one orbit around a large hovering mass of burning hydrogen and helium at the center of the solar system, which they worship as the Roman god “Apollo.”
Joe (hesitant): Are you talking about Kirtland Society?
Operator 2: Yes. We have satellite imagery that indicates your periodic meetings with this society, and also audio evidence of cult chants through operators that infiltrated the society’s ranks.
Joe (more hesitant): What cult chants?
Operator 2: After we ran the cult chants through an extremely advanced, novel audio analyzation system developed by the CIA (Cilley Intelligence Agency) called “Shazam,” we have discerned that the background music seemed to be to the tune of Hamilton’s “Say No To This.”
Operator 1 (angrily): This unequivocally demonstrates your involvement with this secret cult!
Joe: Alright, you got me. However, it really isn’t all that secret—the club isn’t a cover-up for a cult, the club is the cult itself.
Operator 2: What are you saying?
Joe: Just come to a meeting, you’ll see.
