Exeter Apocalyptic Strategies
By: Phin Gibbs
Picture this: The year is 2075, Billiam Rawson is cryogenically frozen in the freezers of the Phillips Science Center. Stray English narratives flutter around the paths, we are still not allowed to eat inside, and Mr. Bergofsky is still teaching math. You take a step outside of your dorm room to find the halls quiet, too quiet. Outside your window, you see students outside. They look tired, almost dead. It’s hard to distinguish if they are uppers or zombies. In a panic, you search for your 2022 survival guide issued to every student during orientation. You open the protective seal of the emergency Exeter bar and begin to hastily read:
Greetings and welcome to The Exeter Guide to a Zombie Apocalypse. I will be your savior as we navigate this challenging situation. As I can imagine you are quite stressed from the fact that zombies have conquered the campus and you find yourself operating on 3 hours of sleep. Just follow these steps and you will be safe.
Shelter:
Plan A: Seek Shelter in Phillips Science Center
This seems pretty obvious as it’s a rather large and commanding building with a whale skeleton, which would provide some baseline protection against zombies. Additionally, one can use the 3rd-floor lounge as an observatory to gain a visual on the status of the zombies. Given the bone-chilling classrooms, to a zombie this does not appear to be the most pleasurable place on campus, making it an ideal hiding spot. “The Zombies would be too afraid once they saw a physics teacher’s whiteboard to pursue any further.” Commented Dean of Apocalypses, Bob Johnson.
Plan B: Seek shelter in library
If the science center is overrun, another quite menacing building where it is very difficult to find staircases and lounges is the library. This could confuse a brain dead zombie and leave them in misery while you are safely tucked away in the archives where the safes are located, which adds yet another layer of protection.
Defense:
Seek out a Chemistry teacher for guidance on how to kill a zombie
Once at Phillips Science Center, head to the 2nd floor. Given the chemical makeup of certain zombies, they are relatively easy to kill with a simple solution which can be accessed by seeing any chemistry teacher. Beware though, if you spend too long, they’ll give you a pop quiz.
How to spend your time
Given that you are a student of Phillips Exeter Academy, if you are unsure of how to fill this newfound time, try hours, maybe days to spend contemplating your life or your 333 topics. Suitable ways to fill your time would be to complete the first 100 problems in each math book, perfect your craft of cutting lunch lines, or even read a non-English-required book.
Teachers
Just need to give this one a mention—they are already hiding out in the underground bunker deep below J-smith. They have enough rations and grading to last them for years. The art department though will still be creating pinch-pots and oil pastels even in times of dire circumstances.
Stay safe and Godspeed!
